My Long Sleeves
by CheetahLiv
Summary: He wasn't suicidal, he just needed a release. Warning: JDA inside. Contains self-injury, also light preslashy feelings, nothing explicit. 2nd chaper up, told from Cox's POV. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Scrubs belongs to the wonderful Mr. Bill Lawrence. As I share his last name, I think I should get partial ownership, but NBC disagrees.

AN: So, this kinda came out of nowhere. I mean seriously, I have no idea where this came from. But I do like it…so let me know what you think! Please review! hugs you all

Also, warning for MAJOR JDA, mainly self-injury, a bit graphic. If that disturbs you, then please don't read. Also contains light, pre-slashy feelings, nothing explicit though.

At first, it was an easy way for him to relieve stress. Some people smoke, or drink, like Dr. Cox. Everyone has a release. His just happened to be a little less socially acceptable. But that didn't make it wrong, did it?

It started his first year at Sacred Heart. With all the stress of being an intern bottling up inside him, it was natural that he needed an outlet. After pulling yet another grueling 24 hour shift, he couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning for hours hadn't helped his stressed out mood. Deciding that sleep was overrated anyway, he got out of bed and paced his room, eventually directing his wandering feet towards the bathroom to splash water on his face. As the cool liquid dripped from his visage, he was rummaging in the cabinet above the sink for a hand towel to dry off when he spotted something else. Reaching for the razor blade, he held it gently in his hands, turning it so it glinted in the harsh fluorescent light of the bathroom.

He had heard of people who cut themselves (after all, he was a doctor), but never before had he entertained the idea of doing it himself. He put the razor back in the cabinet and turned away, calling himself crazy for even thinking about it. But an errant thought struck him, a memory of one of his recent patients. Admitted for attempted suicide, the young girl had slit her own wrists. He had asked her why she'd done it, to which she replied, "It hurt so good, I couldn't stop. I just needed a release."

He thought about it for a moment longer, then made up his mind. _I'll only do it once. I'm sure it'll hurt like hell, and that'll prevent me from even thinking about doing anything like this again._

Carefully, he took out the razor. Holding it tenderly between his trembling fingers, he pressed it to the sensitive skin on the inside of his wrist. He had been right, it _did_ hurt, but for some reason, as he watched the red liquid flow down his wrist, over his hand, and drop by drop fall from his fingertips into the sink, his mind went blank. All he could concentrate on was the steady dripping of his own blood into the basin of the sink.

That was how it began. Simply a way to soothe his mind, help him forget everything to fall asleep. He wasn't suicidal; he just needed a release. After all, being an intern was stressful, and having Dr. Cox as his attending certainly didn't help matters any. Soon it got to the point where he was unable to fall asleep until he had coaxed some of the scarlet liquid out of his veins. The months went by, and he kept track of them by the multitude of tally marks carved into his skin. Sometimes, when he was really stressed and distracted, he would press harder than normal. Those cuts hurt worse, and took longer to heal.

_It'__s totally innocent_, he kept telling himself. But to be safe, he never went without wearing long sleeves. He had always worn long-sleeved shirts under his scrubs, so there was no way anyone at the hospital could find out about his secret habit. Not even Turk, his best friend and roommate, noticed anything was different. _It'__s totally innocen__t._

But when his feelings towards his mentor, Dr. Cox, began to blur the line between hero worship and something more was when his habit got worse. He knew Dr. Cox was tolerant of alternative lifestyles. He also knew that if he were to ever talk to him about his feelings, he would be ridiculed and called by girls' names forever. But his longing for the older doctor grew more with each passing day until it was all he could think about.

Worried about slipping in front of Dr. Cox and accidently revealing his feelings, he developed a new twist to his nightly ritual. Remembering all the girls' names he had been called during the day, he would make a cut for each one. Every Lillian, Samantha, and Becky got its own mark on his arm. The pain made him face reality—as much as he daydreamed about his mentor, he could never have him in real life.

This habit of his grew over the years, until one day he made a huge mistake. When Dr. Cox had tricked him into thinking he wasn't going to be named Chief Resident, he had cried out, "Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?" He had been so upset by Dr. Cox's trick that he didn't realize his slip-up until later, when he was standing at the nurses' station talking to Carla and spotted Cox striding down the hall. Stricken, his face paled, and he left abruptly as Cox approached.

Not knowing where he could go where his melt-down would be private, he headed towards a supply closet on the third floor. His hands were shaking with his tumultuous emotions, and although he had never done it at work, he needed his release _right then_. He let himself into the blessedly empty supply closet and shut the door, neglecting to lock it in his frantic search for something, _anything_, sharp. His fumbling fingers finally closed around a razor, one of the ones that nurses used to shave patients when they needed to be prepped for surgery.

He gasped with relief when the cool metal sliced into his delicate flesh, releasing a gentle flow of scarlet down his forearm. His earlier words to his mentor kept playing over and over in his head. Angry at himself, he pressed the razor down harder, causing more blood to flow. Too late, he realized his mistake, as his vision began to grow dark around the edges. The strength of his turbulent emotions combined with the lack of blood was causing him to lose consciousness.

The last thing he saw before he passed out completely was Dr. Cox's worried face floating in front of him. He could see his mentor's lips moving, but for some reason the words didn't register in his mind. As his world went dark, he could vaguely hear Dr. Cox shouting.

Newbie?

JD!

I need a gurney over here!

When he awoke, he was lying in a hospital bed. Looking at his wrists, he noticed they had been bandaged. Embarrassed that his dirty habit had been revealed, he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, only to see an angry looking Dr. Cox standing in the doorway, effectively blocking his exit. He sighed, knowing he wouldn't be able to leave until Dr. Cox had received a satisfactory explanation for why he had been discovered, passed out in a supply closet with a razor blade clutched in his fingers and blood streaming out of his most recent wound.

Dr. Cox shut the door and strode over to the bed. Sitting on it, his look of anger did not fade, but there was something else in his eyes—compassion? Worry? His own eyes began to fill with tears, and he looked away, fully expecting to be berated for crying. Instead, something else happened, something that he had wanted for years.

Dr. Cox gently took his shaking body into his arms, in what could only be described as a hug. Shocked, he began to sob. He had longed for this hug for so long, and now it was tainted by the memory of his self-destructive behavior that hung in the air between them.

After a moment, Dr. Cox broke the silence. "Why, JD?"

"Because of you. It's all because of you." Said not as an accusation, but as an explanation.

"Me?" Pause. Then, "Why?"

"Because I love you."

To his surprise, Dr. Cox didn't push him away. Instead, he merely held him closer while he cried.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1.**

**AN: So I finally got around to writing the second chapter! Hope you all enjoy! Please review to let me know what you think! And get ready for the return of Scrubs on April 10th—only 5 days to go! Woot! :)**

Sure, he'd noticed the kid's hero worship. As a matter of fact, it was pretty hard to miss. Even Jordan noticed, and Lord knows how little that woman paid attention to anyone besides herself. That in itself should have been a red flag, but of course, Perry had missed it.

And yeah, he always complained about work to Jordan; he'd done that back when they were first dating, so it wasn't anything new when he came home one day, bitching and moaning about the new interns. He'd ranted about one intern in particular, the one he'd decided to call girl's names in an attempt to get the damn kid to leave him alone. Having a shadow at the hospital, constantly asking questions and just being irritating in general, was not something that he wanted. Then why did he feel like someone punched him in the stomach whenever the kid would lock lips with a girl in his view? And why did he feel a tugging in his heart whenever one of his rants got too personal and really hurt him?

In the kid's second year, he had finally taken one of his rants too far, and his protégé had gotten pissed off enough to leave his service. While Perry outwardly gloated that finally, _finally_, his plan to get rid of the annoyance had worked, inwardly he cursed himself. He made the mistake of talking about it to Jordan. And what a mistake it turned out to be.

"You love him, don't you?" she'd asked nonchalantly, as though asking him to please pass the butter.

He'd spluttered, shocked, and then vehemently denied it. But Jordan's words stirred something inside him. He finally recognized that what he felt for Newbie went beyond mere grudging acceptance of a fellow doctor; that it was in fact, _attraction_, and dare he say it, maybe even love.

Why did he love the kid? It could be because he was an egomaniac, and who better to fall in love with than the one person who follows you around and throws their attentions at your feet? But Perry knew it was something more. The more he'd mentored the kid, the more his unwilling acceptance had grown into a reluctant respect for the doctor he'd become. And truth be told, he'd never hated the kid, at least not like he'd hated all the other interns who'd come his way. Something about the way JD would drift off into his stupid daydreams, and Perry could lose himself in those sky blue eyes until the younger doctor snapped out of it with a ridiculous non sequitur; or the way that he always insisted he had an ass as firm as mutton, causing Perry to look and then be turned on for the rest of the day; or the way his lower lip stuck out when he pouted…

This was not good, not good at all. He'd prided himself on being an island, and not just any kind of island, but a sarcastic, narcissistic, and bitter one. That was the front he portrayed to the world, and that was damn sure the front that the world would continue to see. But if Jordan saw through all that, saw the truth of his feelings for JD, that meant that others could find out too. So he vowed to strengthen the walls surrounding his heart.

Besides, what would he have done? Just gone up to the kid and said, "Hey there Felicia, I think I love you"? What would people say? He'd lose his old reputation and gain a new one, as a big gay softie, 

which was definitely not something he was going for. Patients would leave his service if they knew about he was having a relationship with another man. And he was the kid's mentor! Even if Newbie did feel something for him in return (which he highly doubted), how could he be certain that he wasn't just agreeing for fear that he would be fired if he refused? No, it was better to never reveal anything to JD than to go down that road.

So every day, Perry made sure to belittle JD, call him girl's names. His rants got more vicious, intended to sting more than instruct. He could tell his increased nastiness was taking its toll on the kid; he no longer looked up to Perry as much as he had before. His doe-eyes lost some of their sparkle when they fell upon the older doctor's face, and Perry was so distracted by that loss that he didn't realize everything that was changing about JD.

Perry was going out of his mind. He knew that he truly was in love with JD, but he couldn't ever, _ever_, confess it to anyone. And it hurt, oh how it hurt. The only way he knew how to cope with that hurt was to transfer it onto someone else. And who better to unload on than the person who was the cause of it all?

Only Carla seemed to sense Perry's inner turmoil. She had always been preternaturally tuned in to his emotions, and she knew something was up with her oldest friend. She noticed him pining after her Bambi, and she knew from first-hand exposure how often JD mentioned the older man at the apartment. She'd once tried to bring up the subject of his subtle man-crush on JD, which had not ended well for her. She'd gotten a full-blown Cox Rant, which rolled off her shoulders but still stung a little. _Fine,_ she thought, _let them both be idiots and not realize how the other feels._

After a particularly stressful week, Perry needed to release some of the anger and frustration building up inside of him. And he had the perfect opportunity to—the bestowing of the title of Chief Resident. Fortunately for him, Barbie had entered the race at the last minute, giving him the perfect opportunity to see a "class act hissy fit," courtesy of John Dorian. That'd be just the thing to lift his spirits, seeing JD crushed at having this prestigious position taken away from him.

But then the kid had done something that completely shocked Perry –he'd said, "Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?" Love? Newbie had basically admitted that he loved him! Perry's spirits were lifted, but to keep his cover in front of Barbie, he had to play it cool. So he finished out his rant and swept away dramatically, his heart thundering in his chest. Newbie was in love with him!

But the cynical part of Perry's brain was wary. What if Newbie had just been blurting out random words like he was so wont to do every other day? He probably had just been speaking out of anger and despair. Surely the kid couldn't love him, wouldn't love him too.

Thoughts of what had transpired outside the hospital plagued Perry for the rest of the day. His shift almost over, he headed to the nurses' station to pick up the chart of his final patient of the day. Newbie was standing there, talking to Carla. Then Newbie looked at him and his eyes widened, a blush spreading across his face. He quickly excused himself and took off down the hall. Perry eyed the whole thing, a questioning look written on his features.

"Carla? What the hell was that?" he asked. She shrugged, but had a slightly worried look on her face. She leaned in closer to him, and whispered confidentially, "Something's been bothering Bambi all day. I can't figure out what for the life of me. After all, he did make Chief Resident too, he should be happy!" Perry shifted uncomfortably at that bit of news. Did this mean that the "love" declaration was an unintentional slip-up, that JD did feel the same but was hiding, the same as he had been doing for the past few years?

She continued to whisper after first glancing around to check that no one was listening in. "Plus, I don't think he's been feeling too well lately. Last night, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, and JD was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, wide awake. And Turk said that he'd noticed JD doing the same thing last week. He's been working through lunch all this week too. I'm starting to get really worried about him."

Perry looked away, a sinking feeling of guilt settling in his stomach. He should have been the one to notice Newbie's break schedule changes. How had he missed that Newbie was working through lunch? Why couldn't he just lay off the kid for once? Why did he always have to go and make things worse?

Carla got a knowing look on her face, as though sensing his guilt. "Perry, maybe you should go after him. He's always looked up to you—maybe he'll open up to you, let you know what's going on." Normally, Perry would have argued with her, made some flip remark about getting JD's sorority sisters to talk to him instead. But her statement combined with his own sense of responsibility, and he decided to follow her advice for once. Nodding at her, he left the nurses' station and went after JD.

He didn't have to search too far to find a supply closet with suspicious noises that sounded similar to crying issuing from it. He knocked on the door, but got no response. Not that he had been expecting one, but he thought that Newbie would have at least stopped crying if he knew someone was outside the door. Apparently not.

He opened the door, his mouth open and ready for a rant when his eyes finally took in the scene inside. Newbie had collapsed on the floor, and the reason became apparent when his eyes traveled to JD's hands. The long fingers were clutching a razor blade that JD had sliced through the skin on the inside of his wrist. The deep wound was bleeding profusely, a small but steadily growing crimson puddle on the floor of the supply closet. The kid's lids were half closed, his eyes rolled back into his head and his eyelashes fluttering rapidly.

The doctor side of Perry took over immediately. He ripped open a box of gauze from the shelf to his right and dropped to his knees beside Newbie who was quickly losing consciousness. He applied pressure to the wound, and tried to get the kid's attention. "Newbie?" he asked, his concern growing when there was no response. "JD!" _Come on, answer me! Please!_

"I need a gurney over here!" he shouted angrily into the hall, catching the attention of not only a few frightened interns who scrambled to do as he said, but also that creepy janitor who was always following JD around.

"Jumpsuit," he barked, "get Carla from the nurses' station. Now!" The janitor peered inside the closet, his expression changing from irritation at being ordered around by a doctor to concern for the unconscious and still bleeding young man lying on the floor. He turned without a word and started jogging down the hall to alert Carla to the situation.

"Damn it, where's that gurney?" Perry growled angrily. Deciding that JD couldn't wait any longer to get proper treatment, he gathered the kid up into his arms and rushed him to the nearest empty room. He could barely hear Carla arriving behind him, ordering nurses to get bags of blood and IV fluid, over the pounding of his own heartbeat in his ears. He laid the surprisingly light JD on the bed (_Carla was __right, he has to have been skipping meals, he's way too light_) and helped Carla hook up the heart and O2 monitors, the IV fluid, and the bag of A negative blood that had just arrived, delivered by an out-of-breath nurse.

Perry cut off JD's shirt to get better access to the slowly clotting cut on his wrist. What he saw made him pause. The adrenaline left his body as quickly as it had flooded in as Perry saw the hundreds of scars littering the kid's pale skin. "Damn," he whispered softly, shocked. Then, shaking his head, he got to work on stabilizing his patient. The cut was deep, but not deep enough to warrant surgery. Perry stitched up the wound and bound it with gauze. His work done, he sat heavily in the chair by JD's bed. Carla had left him alone, and had gone to tell the rest of the gang about what had happened. Now all that was needed was an explanation. Both from JD and from Perry.

After this harrowing experience, Perry had decided that he would have to let the kid know how he felt about him. He was so angry at himself—why had he antagonized the kid so much? Why hadn't he noticed that JD had been in trouble? How could he have missed that JD was cutting himself? From the number of scars on his arms, it had been going on for quite some time. How had he not noticed it?

He was so distracted by his thoughts that he didn't realize that his feet had led him to Newbie's room of their own accord. When he finally realized where he was, he looked at the bed and noticed its occupant had sat up, swung his legs over the side, and was preparing to disconnect the various wires that were attached to his body.

Their eyes met, light blue locking with light blue. JD's eyes were fearful, and Perry realized that his angry thoughts were written on his face, and that the kid must believe that he was going to be freshly ripped a new one. That couldn't be farther from the truth. All Perry wanted to do was gather JD up in his arms and hold him, comfort him, and ask why and how could he help.

So that's exactly what he did. Sitting on the bed next to JD, he hugged him as hard as he could. He'd needed this too, more than he'd thought and way more than he'd ever admit. JD started to shake in his arms. But as much as he wanted to simply hold JD forever and make all his pain go away, he needed to know.

"Why, JD?"

"Because of you. It's all because of you."

Definitely not the response he had been expecting. "Me?...Why?"

"Because I love you."

Again, the response shocked Perry, but what he did next stunned JD more. Turning towards the younger man, Perry cupped his face in his hands and kissed him soundly. Pulling away, Perry looked into JD's eyes.

"I love you too, Newbie."

Perry knew it would be a long road towards JD's recovery. He knew there was emotional baggage from before the two doctors had ever met, and coupled with the years of self-injury, JD would be in therapy for some time. But he didn't care about that. He would stick with his Newbie through it all, because, for the first time in his life, he was truly happy.

**Please review!**


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